18/2/08

La historia de Fulano de Tal

Cometeré aquí la infidencia de contar por qué lo llamaron Fulano. Diré que su madre era una conocida prostituta llamada la “reina del perrito”. Ella se hacía llamar Gigí y llegó un día de un pueblito mendocino llamado Negro Quemado. Lo intentó todo y a sus 19 años ya conocía los múltiples rostros del fracaso. Luego de ser mesera, azafata de ómnibus y promotora, un día aciago de febrero un hombre de dudosa madre le prometió más de lo que en 1492 los infaustos prometieron a los nativos americanos; le prometió un viaje a España para modelar para una marca de hielo gallego. A su ingreso al viejo continente su sueño se deshizo y se vio obligada a ganarse la vida vendiendo su cuerpo. Gigí era una morocha de las que sólo crecen en los campos argentinos. Su metro setenta y cinco albergaba una cara naranja, levemente redonda y de incrustada nariz en punta. Su pelo, negro y lacio, escondía su belleza maltratada pro los pésimos champúes que acostumbraba a usar. Describo su rostro, porque quizás sea eso lo que quienes la conocieron no recuerden bien. Es lógico, su cuerpo era a la vista lo que el metal al imán; esos pechos llevaban grabados la firmeza del criollo nativo, sus justas y firmes piernas eran insuficientes para sostener una cola que traficaba la omnipresente abundancia de la tierra gaucha. Como novena integrante de diecinueve hermanos llevaba consigo la despreocupada cultura sexual del campo. No tardó en hacerse conocer como la “diosa sudaca gauchita”. Cientos de clientes agradecían su falta de exigencias a la hora de su trabajo. Planteada la situación, era de esperarse el siguiente problema. A todos les extrañó que desapareciera seis meses, misterio resuelto cuando reapareció con un bebé que bebía de la gracia de sobra del criollo nativo. El placer se hizo carne, y el chiste se hizo camino; a nadie pareció interesarle oír el nombre del vástago, fue bautizado como Fulano de tal por un tipo no tan borracho como hiriente que enseguida organizó un descarado concurso: por la escasa estatura que pronto mostró el pequeño, se dijo que quien la tuviera más corta era el padre y esa noche pagaría las rondas de tragos. El resultado del concursito nunca se supo, pero el de la ironía del alcohol aún perdura. Fulano de tal, hijo de España, de turistas ocasionales y, sobre todo, hijo de la cultura sexual del gaucho argentino. Fulano de tal vivió y creció como atracción y leyenda del cabaret en cuestión, hasta que su madre (que ya se había despegado de la cultura gauchesca despreocupada) conoció el lado minoritario de las estadísticas del forro, que aseguran eficacia del 85 a 90 por ciento. Así nació Mengano, pero esa es otra historia.

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